Welcome to The Real Chicago, an ongoing feature in which I make you forget everything you thought you knew about Chicago.

Chicago first rose to prominence as a working city. It still is a working city, of course, but it’s a different kind of work. Slaughterhouses have been replaced with Etsy stores. Rickets has been replaced with severe writer’s block. And people don’t clock in for a 16-hour shift at the ol’ cog factory anymore; they hunker down in a coffee shop for 16 hours to write a comedy web series. Indeed, the cafe has become the stockyard of 21st century Chicago. 

Most people opt for a nice, quiet chain like Starbucks or, for the more rustic crowd, Caribou. But true productivity can only come at an authentic local joint. And I’m lucky to have one such joint in my neighborhood.

I went to Cherubs Cafe every day for a week last summer, when my Internet was out. I’m not sure what I was expecting from a place called Cherubs, but it is truly startling just how many pictures and statues of child angels litter the cafe’s cozy interior. Startling and more than a little creepy. Naked little chubby-cheeked babies gaze at you from all directions, turning away only to writhe in the weird roly-poly way cherubs do. Their stares are piercing; it’s truly hard to tune them out.

The only thing that may distract you from the fact that you’re basically surrounded by dead children is the breathtaking tackiness of the rest of the décor. It’s a chaotic mishmash of secondhand couches, clashing colors, and awkwardly built wooden chairs  that are somehow too tall and too short at the same time. I mean, for a place so (distractingly) consistent on theme, everything else is shockingly scatter-shot. It looks as though HGTV gave a bunch of super-religious aunts their own interior design show, but the aunts used all the show’s budget on alcohol and ended up just drunkenly buying whatever was available at the Salvation Army, cramming it all into one room right before simultaneously passing out.

The place an aesthetic nightmare, sure, but it’s more like one of those surreal, almost pleasant nightmares that you don’t realize was scary until you wake up. “Wait, I think I just dreamt about being slowly tortured to death by a bunch of naked baby angels. Why wasn’t I panicking?” You know, one of those.

The woman who runs the store is, perhaps not surprisingly, exceedingly nice, and her (I presume) daughter who usually runs the register is friendly as well. And the food is pretty decent, although I’ve rarely had more than a plain bagel and a root beer. One time I ordered a plain, untoasted bagel. The daughter said she’d bring the bagel out to me, so I went over to one of the vaguely uncomfortable couches to plug my laptop in and get to work. Half an hour later, I realized I didn’t have my bagel yet. I wasn’t really hungry; purchasing the bagel was just a formality, a little token of my appreciation for the free WiFi and terrifying hospitality. So I wasn’t exactly upset, but it was strange that a plain, untoasted bagel took so long, especially considering how empty the place was. Maybe they slice their bagels with a dull knife, or the power of prayer.

Before you go to Cherubs to work or study, you need to ask yourself one thing: can I concentrate if there’s incredibly loud dance music playing the whole time? If the answer is no, then sadly, you may need to set up camp elsewhere. Cherubs eschews the traditional coffeehouse soundtrack in favor of pounding basslines, soaring synths, and melodies that make you want to get up on your feet and dance, dance, DANCE! When you’re not dancing,  however, such music can cause distraction, headaches, and fairly difficult Skype chats. Thankfully, there is some variety in the selection; the dance music is broken up by a mix of generic techno, salsa, and one-hit-wonders from the ’90s that I would call eclectic if it weren’t so clearly random. You’ve got to get your bursts of productivity in when ”Bitter Sweet Symphony” comes on, or else you might end up with half of a comedy web series and nothing to show for it.

If you stand on the corner of Chicago and State, just north of the Loop, you can look to the east and see a Starbucks not much more than a block away, and then look to the south and see another Starbucks lingering at about the same distance. Those places may be professionally designed, play only Norah Jones’ softer tracks, and get your order to you within 30 minutes. But they’ll never have the off-kilter charm of Cherubs Cafe. That’s the REAL Chicago. 

More EXCLUSIVE coverage of the REAL Chicago coming next week!

Welcome to The Real Chicago, a new feature in which I reveal the other Chicago to be a fraud.

I moved to Chicago (also known as “The City of Cogs”) about nine months ago. Since then, I’ve been gestating in the city’s warm, moist womb, feeding on hot dogs and cheap Mexican food from its hearty placenta. Needless to say, I spent much of that time in the fetal position. But now, I’ve emerged fully-formed, covered in greasy afterbirth, finally ready to call Chicago my city.

As a newly certified Chicagoan, I can tell you that there’s way more to this humble town than the Shiny Bean and the shitty Cubs and the Willis Tower (which has always been called the Willis Tower, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise). The REAL Chicago is hidden away in the city’s diverse and unique neighborhoods, where hard-working families come together to build strong communities and recent college graduates come together to start improv groups.

I live in one such neighborhood, and this week, I’ll be sharing some of the quirky little joints that make it so special. First up: Rock Hard Gym.

Rock Hard Gym is, in fact, an active fitness center and not a murder cave as I had initially thought. (Though I suppose the two are not mutually exclusive.) The building’s exterior, composed mostly of stapled-together wood scraps, is decidedly unkempt: The windows are boarded up and caged in. The sign’s single coat of white paint is severely chipped. The front door is slowly being consumed by rust. I genuinely can’t tell if this is all the result of neglect or a concerted effort to keep away potential members who aren’t hardcore enough to deal with numerous building code violations. Either way, I’m too scared to ask for a brochure.

Those who are hardcore enough to enter the grisly confines of Rock Hard Gym are rarely seen. But sometimes, when the weather is nice, they prop the door open, and you can get a glimpse of the action. If you were worried that the dilapidated storefront was hiding a clean, world-class, state-of-the-art facility, you can breathe a sigh of relief: the interior is every bit as run-down as you dreamed. It’s really not so much a gym as a pile of exercise equipment spread out over a (presumably) sticky concrete floor. And it has all the charm of an abandoned storage unit, with only slightly more space. If you’re looking for a smoothie bar, massage parlor, or Jazzercise class, this is not the place for you. In fact, if you’re looking for fresh towels or proper ventilation, the odds are probably not in your favor there, either.

From what I can tell, the gym’s clientele is primarily made up of bronze, musclebound men in sweat-stained tank tops. They occasionally stand in small groups on the sidewalk, smoking cigarettes in absolute silence while clearly avoiding eye contact with one another. Their tans are especially impressive considering how much time they spend in a completely windowless building. Also, since these guys are clearly paragons of health and fitness, I can only assume that they smoke not out of habit but as an advanced lung exercise. Sadly, I was unable to obtain an interview with one of the gym’s members, because they are terrifying.

In a city littered with Xsport Fitnesses and fancy athletic clubs, Rock Hard Gym is a breath of fresh air for those who don’t like actual fresh air. It’s home to the broadest of broad shoulders, made broader everyday by hard work, thousands of reps, and probably nothing else. These guys don’t care if you think their gym looks like an oversized outhouse. They only care about getting rock hard. That’s the REAL Chicago.

Stay tuned for more about the REAL Chicago in the next few days!

Is this the most pointless trolling in Internet history?

This week, President Obama clinched his second term by dorking out over some kid’s marshmallow cannon at a White House science fair.  Though his presidency has been somewhat rocky so far, Obama has followed through on at least one thing — his promise to do adorable shit all the time. Here are some other memorable examples of presidential warm-and-fuzzies.  

1796: A young child innocently mentions to an aging George Washington that his wooden teeth look peculiar. Rather than getting offended, President Washington takes the comment in stride and quips, “If you think my teeth look bad, you should check out my syphilitic dick!” 

1831: President Andrew Jackson sponsors the country’s first-ever “Fun Run.” (This event is now more commonly referred to as the “Trail of Tears.”)

1902: While on one of his many famed “man hunts,” President Theodore Roosevelt spares the life of a child whose desperate pleas for mercy, as Roosevelt would later put it, “made me feel bad about hunting human beings for sport.” As a token of his apology, Roosevelt gives the child the stuffed body of a bear cub he had slaughtered in a previous hunt. This, of course, is how Teddy bears got their name. 

1912: While eating a piece of birthday cake in the bathtub (as was his custom), President William Howard Taft gets frosting, like, all over his mustache.

1933: During a tour of the nation’s hospitals, President Franklin D. Roosevelt tries to comfort a sick child by telling her that he, too, has polio. However, this gesture of kindness and solidarity is misinterpreted as truth, and word spreads that the president has come down with the disease. Rather than go through the trouble of correcting everybody, Roosevelt pretends to have polio for the remainder of his presidency until 1945, when he dies of polio.

1967: President Lyndon Johnson goes an entire day without killing any kids.

Welcome to Films in Pre-view, a new feature in which I preview films.

2011 was a banner year for cinema. Literally hundreds of people went to the theater to see the more than ten films that were released, and they were all left wanting more. Well, 2012 promises to deliver! According to weekly entertainment magazine Entertainment Weekly, there will be even more films released this year, from sexy mumblecore blockbusters to 3-D arthouse sports flicks. Here’s a look at five of the most highly anticipated films slated to come out in 2012!

Gaze/Off

In 2011, ex-Canadian Ryan Gosling and film actor Michael Fassbender were hot properties thanks in no small part to their cool, steely-eyed stares. Gaze/Off, a pulse-pounding thriller directed by somebody probably, promises to capitalize on their “good looks” by pitting Gosling and Fassbender against each other in what’s being billed as the staredown of the century. The pair, neither of whom speak a single word of dialogue, play opposing soldier-spy druglords who glare intensely at things, women, and each other all over the world in the pursuit of the ultimate score. I don’t want to spoil anything, but the film climaxes with Gosling and Fassbender turning to the camera and staring deep, deep into the audience’s eyes and down into their very souls,  into the dark, dank recesses that not even God can see, at once freeing and imprisoning them as they lose all awareness and give themselves over to the immense and unstoppable power of the collective gaze, until they (the audience) briefly achieve total enlightenment. The spell is finally broken by a chase sequence set to the song “Pump It” by the Black Eyed Peas.

We Bought Another Zoo

The second installment of the “We Bought a Zoo” trilogy is significantly darker than its heartwarming predecessor. In the first film, Matt Damon plays a single father who buys a zoo in an attempt to get closer to his kids or bone Scarlett Johansson or whatever. In We Bought Another Zoo, however, Damon is in it purely for the money. The runaway success of his first zoo has given him a taste of the sweet life, and he is absolutely hooked. Over the course of the movie, he transforms from a loving, selfless dad into a ruthless, money-grubbing zoo tycoon who will stop at nothing in his dogged pursuit to become the richest animal enclosure magnate in the world. His children, once inspired by his quirky foray into ultra-specific real estate, are now disturbed and devastated by the ugly, soulless businessman he has become. When Damon forgets his youngest daughter’s birthday, he delivers a blistering speech that truly encapsulates just how much he has changed. “Is your birthday a zoo?” he snarls as she weeps uncontrollably. “Is it for sale? No? Then why should I give a single goddamn fuck about it?” 

Titsplosion

Michael Bay’s signature style is on full display in Titsplosion, an action-packed popcorn-muncher sure to delight 13-year-old boys and 14-year-old boys alike. The special effects are dazzling and dizzying as ever, and Victoria’s Secret model Kate Upton titillates in her role as Girl With Boobs. In one especially epic scene, there are tits and then something explodes. Many attendees of early screenings experienced symptoms similar to that of a severe brain aneurysm. If that doesn’t scream “must-see,” I don’t know what will. Titsplosion is the third film adaptation of Where the Red Fern Grows. 

Everything is Fucked

Following in the footsteps of such critically acclaimed documentaries as Inside Job, Hot Coffee and Waiting for Superman, Everything is Fucked (full title: Everything is Fucked: No, Seriously, Literally Everything in the World is Fucked and There is No Hope for the Future) uses cool animated charts and graphs to show us just how severely everything in the world is fucked. From the endless stream of intricate greed-fueled financial crises to our systemically flawed public education system to the bloodthirsty demon-beasts that are sneaking into our houses and eating our children, there is no one facet of modern life that is not totally fucked. If you’re a fan of getting super bummed out and/or cool animated charts and graphs, this is one documentary that you simply cannot miss. 

The Harriet Tubman Story

The recent successes of The Blind Side and The Help show that audiences simply can’t get enough uplifting tales of racial unity. This film certainly looks to be more of the same. The Harriet Tubman Story tells the inspirational story of Harriet Tubman (played by Elle Fanning), whose so-called Underground Railroad helped free hundreds of slaves (played by an assortment of African-Americans). While the movie does take liberties with some of the facts (for example, Fanning is much younger than Tubman was at the time), overall it retains the spirit of Tubman’s story and proves once again that when white people really put their minds to it, they can do anything. 

What a list! If these films are any indication, 2012 is going to be the year Hollywood satisfied us over and over again. Grab your dames, buy your Milk Duds, and get ready for a wild ride at the cinema! See ya there!

Alex Nichols is a People’s Choice Awards voter and has written about film for such publications as Men’s Health, Woman’s World, and Highlights for Children.

Welcome to Health Tipz, a new feature in which I give you health tipz.

A new year has begun, and with it comes a chance to start fresh - and feel fresh! According to statistics, over 98% of all New Year’s resolutions are health related. People everywhere want to lose weight, improve their diets, and cut down on their exposure to flesh-eating bacteria. If you’re one of the millions of Americans who wants to get healthy in 2012, you might want to inject these tip-bubbles directly into your healthstream!

• DON’T BE A SODA “JERK”!: One of the first things so-called “health experts” tells you to cut out of your diet is soda (commonly referred to as “pop” by the mentally ill). They’ll say that it has no nutritional value whatsoever, and that the calories can add up in a hurry. But what they WON’T tell you is that the calories in refills don’t count! Pay once, drink forever — guilt free! 
• MUSCLES AREN’T A “MUSC” HAVE!: In today’s superficial culture, physical strength is frequently associated with good health and attractiveness. It seems like in order to be considered sexy, men have to “get ripped” or “be toned” or “have any muscle mass whatsoever.” But did you know that muscles are actually bad for you? With muscles come a myriad of health risks, such as an increased chance of tank tops. And muscles can even be fatal, such as in the case of acclaimed actor Ryan Gosling, who died today at the age of 31 after a long battle with washboard abs. 

• LOSE WEIGHT IN A “BLOODY” HURRY!: Tired of the grueling grind of weight loss? Does it seem to take forever to drop the pounds? It may be because you’re focusing on fat. The human body has so much more weighing it down! For example, did you know that blood accounts for about 8% of your body weight? Drain it all out and you’re well on your way to a much thinner figure. (This will also cure high blood pressure!) 

• FAT FREE SNACKS CAN “SHATTER” YOUR BAD HABITS!: Of course, it’s still a good idea to work on cutting down on your fat content. It may seem hard to find snacks that aren’t loaded with fat, but that’s only because you’re limiting yourself to food. When you think about it, a vast majority of things don’t have any fat at all.  Gravel, plastic, wool, electricity, jealousy, clouds, dynamite, and cigarette butts are all totally devoid of fat! Next time you have an urge to munch on some beef jerky or fried lard balls, why not try, say, a handful of broken glass instead? It may not go down smooth, but at least it won’t make you fat. Plus, the profuse bleeding you’ll experience will help knock that pesky 8% down to zero!

• GO WITH YOUR “GUT”!: Ultimately, health is all about following your instincts. If your doctor is telling you “we need to operate immediately” but your gut is telling you “you’re going to live forever,” listen to the REAL expert! After all, who knows you better than you? Doctors may have fancy x-rays and medicine and years of intense study and experience, but your gut is actually inside of you, and therefore has a much better view of the strange growth at the base of your spine, which is probably nothing! 

There you have it. 5 hot health tipz that will surely make 2012 your healthiest year yet. Now get out there and health! 

Alex Nichols took a phys ed class in high school and has written about health and fitness for such publications as Nintendo Power, TV Guide, and The New England Journal of Medicine. 

Become a better person

Work smarter, not harder

Go the entire year without getting kicked out of the Lego store

Continue to ignore strange growth on the base of my spine

Figure out when and where it is socially acceptable to wear blackface

Do, like, WAAAY less crystal meth

Apologize to my family for selling them into white slavery 

Convince my doctor that I’m not dying

Don’t die

Live forever

Use my immortality for good (or for getting rich)

Spend new wealth on others (or on crystal meth)

Do more crystal meth

Use cash not spent on crystal meth to buy family back from white slavery ring

Use cash not spent on buying family back from white slavery ring on new Lego set (don’t do crystal meth before going to store)

Use cash not spent on new Lego set on donation to NAACP (to make up for incident at last year’s Image Awards)

Get more cash 

Find “happy medium” re: crystal meth usage

Continue to not die/live forever

Sex

Everybody loves money, especially amounts of it! Here’s my list of the top 10 amounts of money!

10. One dollar - A classic amount of money. Desired by children, homeless people, and vending machines alike, one dollar is the foundation for just about every other amount of money. Whether it’s tucked in a stripper’s G-string or framed on a wealthy entrepreneur’s office wall, one dollar always looks good.

9. Two dollars - What’s better than one dollar? Two dollars! Two dollars is nearly DOUBLE the amount of dollars that is in one dollar, making it almost twice as valuable! One dollar is great, but most people aren’t satisfied until they have at least two.

8. One hundred dollars -One hundred dollars is an almost inconceivable amount. Think about it: have you ever seen one hundred dollars in one place? But as mythical as it may seem, one hundred dollars is an amount of money that exists by the thousands. If you have this amount of money, the possibilities are endless.

7. One thousand dollars - It would appear that I’m stretching the very limits of plausibility by suggesting that one thousand dollars is a number of dollars that a person could have, but I’m not. Some of our greatest celebrities have one thousand dollars, including David Caruso, Gary Sinise, and even Ted Danson. Needless to say, one thousand dollars is a real status symbol.

6. A sack full of money - Though money sacks are nowadays primarily used by bank robbers, they were once considered the best thing to carry money in by the American upper class. They were all the rage in the roaring 20s, when high society socialites would stuff as much cash as they could fit into a fashionable velvet sack and tote it from party to party. Everybody from Rich Uncle Pennybags to Jay Gatsby to Mr. Peanut had their own sack full of money to show off to the neighbors. It’s about time this amount of money makes a comeback!

5. A suitcase full of money - Basically the same concept as a sack full of money, only more organized. The main benefit, of course, it its versatility. Whether you’ve got a drug deal to make or a ransom to pay, you can’t go wrong with a suitcase full of money.

4. A swimming pool filled with gold coins - This is the amount of choice for wealthy cartoon ducks everywhere, but humans can dive in, too! Not only does a swimming pool filled with gold coins display your tremendous wealth, it also provides an excellent workout. Just try swimming through a massive pile of solid metal objects. The incredible resistance will get you ripped in no time!

3. All your money - This amount is increasingly in demand, particularly by our nation’s muggers. Just give it to them and nobody gets hurt! DON’T TRY TO BE A HERO!

2. Enough to pay the bills - We tend to lose sight of the fact that money is just money. As Frank Sinatra said, “You can’t take it with you.” All you really need is enough to get by; true wealth is measured in friendship and the warmth of a loving family.

With that in mind, the number one amount of money is:

1. A MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS - Holy shit, how cool would it be to have a million fucking dollars? You could buy anything you wanted without even thinking about it! Forget all that bullshit I said earlier about warmth and love and whatever. Who needs friends and family when you could have A MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS!?! Oh, sorry I missed Christmas morning at Grandma’s house, I was too busy HAVING LITERALLY THE LARGEST AMOUNT OF MONEY A PERSON COULD POSSIBLY HAVE.

And that’s why a million fucking dollars is my NUMBER ONE AMOUNT OF MONEY. See you next time!

Just Decks is a company whose slogan is “Because when you do one thing, you do it right.” That one thing, presumably, is just decks.

BUT WAIT. Immediately under their claim that they do “one thing” (“just decks”), they list THREE OTHER THINGS that they ALSO do. And even worse, “DECKS” IS NOT EVEN THE FIRST THING!!!

Are they lying about JUST doing decks? Or are they lying about doing the other three things? Which is it? Are decks the “one thing” they do right, meaning they do porches, stairs and patios poorly? Or do they do all four things right and are just too modest for their own good? OR DO THEY DO NONE OF THESE THINGS??? Is “Just Decks” a fake company? A front for some massive worldwide drug syndicate/white slavery ring/organ trafficking conglomerate doing some half-assed outdoor advertising just to keep up appearances? 

The more I think about it, the more my questions multiply. Is “Just Decks” responsible for 9/11? The JFK assassination? The Lindbergh Baby kidnapping? Or are they responsible for all three? Did “Just Decks” kill Tupac? Did “Just Decks” fake the moon landing? Is “Just Decks” a business partnership between D.B. Cooper and Jimmy Hoffa? Based on what I can ascertain from this bench ad on the corner of Fullerton and Damen in Chicago, all signs point to YES.

Nice try, “Just Decks,” if that’s your REAL NAME. Your days of confusing the fine citizens of Chicago are numbered. Once this post goes viral, you won’t have anywhere to hide. THIS INJUSTICE WILL NOT STAND!